When You Needed Friends

Med school gives me the stresses in life, big time!

Just a while back, my sister called. She told me that we have a problem—a family problem that is. Honestly, I become so anxious and affected every time I’m faced with problems especially concerning my family.

Now that I’m alone here in the metro, far from my family, I feel so helpless. I need friends to talk to. If only I was with my old friends, that I can call them anytime; we, spending time together; us, grabbing a bottle of beer and talking about our problems; then I would be so far from insanity.

As what I said, med school gives me the stresses in life. Adding up the fact that you cannot expect your med friends to be with you and listen to your problems because they do have their own problems that they cannot accommodate more stresses from another person. You feel the importance of friends when you are slowly losing them. I need my high school friends, I need my college friends.

Since life in med is different from any other courses, I now see and define my med friends as just transitional friends. Maybe, they would just be my future colleagues but not my true friends. In med, I feel that we just use each other. I think that the label "superficial friends" was coined by me because of the facts that forced us to be close to each other. We were forced to be the person in particular, must support each other all the way. It sucks because I see it like a fake façade.

I hope that I’m wrong when I say that my med friends are just some “superficial” friends. As of now, this is what I’m seeing. It’s sad; but I have no choice. I have to move on, live my life, be who I am, be alone. When you needed friends, you just imagined that they're there... but actually, they're not.

Meant to be Different

How many relationships would end up a happy ever after especially when the two main characters have conflicting views of life?

I and my girlfriend have been together for more than four years and yet, it seems that we never and we inevitably cannot find the perfect thing/ reason that would make us as one person (as what the Catholic Church would teach.) Well as of now, we still haven’t found the right reasons how we would complement each other. I don’t know if this is completely normal or we’re just being “us” because we think that we need a partner who’s completely the opposite of our own—opposites attract. Honestly, it’s very difficult to live in a very stressful life coupled by these things. I personally am not comfortable anymore about what’s happening between us.

I’m not the perfect guy who would always be with her. I’m the type of person who sees that things must go smoothly and that no deviations from what has been planned should be made. I’m the career guy. All these are the opposite of my girlfriend and all these complicate my situation more. I hate to say this but maybe, I’m falling out of love… but my brain enzymes and hormones dictate that I must not.

She’s the perfect person for me. This is what my brain tells me. Oh crap that I could not even focus on matters that I should be doing right now because of what just happened early this eve. I won’t deal much of what happened to us but to hell, how can she not even tell me what’s bothering her? How come that she would mask her emotions such that I should feel okay and she wouldn’t?

I hate today. I hate my fucking life in med school. I hate how I deal with my girlfriend. I hate myself.

F***ckin’ Robbins that I must study his book tonight!

8 Hours Before Reality

Two weeks is just so fast that vacation ended without me noticing it. Holiday season is always my way of forgetting med school. It provides me the time to be with my loved ones, my relatives, and my friends. Why on earth does it have to end so soon? This frustrates me.

The past holiday break isn't that perfect for me (as what I've written on my previews blogs.) But still, there is this impulse within me not wanting to go back, not wanting to hit myself with books again. Maybe, I'm afraid of the "toxic" life of med school. Leisure as I may quote the holiday season for me. Even if it's not perfect, I do have the chance to relax and stay away from the large stresses pounded on me by med life.

To be honest, I really don't want to go to school..yet (you might have concluded this awhile back.) I'm not (yet) that prepared. Good thing, I still have a reason why I should wake up early tomorrow to go to class-- to see my co-med student friends. Isn't it funny that "they" are the reason why I want to go to class and not to be dictated upon by my dreams of becoming a doctor? Oh well, I guess, i have to reflect on this (which I failed to do during the break.)

So long to the old 2009. I'm not really sure if I learned anything from the past year. What's important is that I'm still here and I'm doing pretty well. I'm still satisfied with life. The mere fact that I see people smile makes me feel that I still need to continue life and that it makes me realize that if they have reasons to smile, then I should also have a reason to do the same.

Off to school in a while. I hope everything would be fine and that I soon find the true reason why I'm still enrolled in med school.

Goodnight.