I had an exam just a while ago. It was an ethics orals exam. I studied two long days to prepare for it. To start with, I haven't had any experience of taking an orals exam (making me anewbie: having no feel of what the process or what the flow of an orals exam would be) So there, i studied so hard just that i won't fail and i would have the ammos to every question bombarded at me. I sacrificed a lot for it. I canceled all my parties, i didn't study my other subjects. I just focused on the fucking subject. I was the last to do the exam. I didn't feel anxious, I didn't feel fear. I said to myself that i have prepared for that exam and that i would do good.
I entered the room full of confidence hoping that i would get a question/ case/ thesis statement that i can defend. First pick. Professor-doctor said to me: "wow, this is rather an easy question". I smiled. She read the question and to my surprise i was caught hanging. I couldn't figure out why i was not and was not able to process the question. I fucking did not understand the question. I told my prof to read the question once more. She read it again and handed me the question. I sat and stared at the sheet blankly. I felt horrible. I was trying to answer the thesis statement but the prof just smiled and said: "you may want to get another question from the bowl." I felt really awful. That was the first time in my life that i was given a chance to answer another question because I was making no sense! I hated myself. So then, i got another rolled sheet. It was far more difficult than the first one. I had to make a choice whether or not to answer the new or the old statement. Time was ticking so fast, i decided to answer the second question.... and then again, I WAS TOTALLY NOT MAKING SENSE! I hated myself from then on.
When everything was done, i felt that i'm so inadequate. I felt that I'm stupid. Questions rushed in my head asking and doubting myself. I'm not the type of person who'd settle for a bobo answer. I sucked.
Friends who waited for me outside the room asked how i performed. 3 words were enough to express how i did. I said: "kill me now"
How unfair is it not to have the knowledge of everything. I hate myself. I can't move on. I can't focus anymore... knowing that I won't do well even if i prepare for something... at my best stance. I just have discovered the "most stupid me."
