My Third Year Medical Dilemma

I miss the days when I would just worry about buying a remote controlled race car, replenishing the almost empty fuel tank of my toy train, and not going with mom or dad to their work places. I miss those times when I thought the earth wouldn’t revolve anymore because my wants were not satisfied. I miss worrying about simple things.

Now that I’m almost a quarter of a hundred years old, things got more complicated. I never imagined myself worrying about work loads and living my life alone. Things that I’ve never imagined myself doing are actually happening. It gets even worse when I am bombarded with a lot of unfortunate-realistic-unimaginable fate. But then again, I have to accept life as it is. I must face life in a lot more different perspective, in a more mature way.

This week has been a hell week for me. This is, or should I say was, the worst of all the bad weeks that I’ve experienced; well, in terms of workload and emotional burdens. I am saddened by the fact that some people misunderstand my priorities. Some people would say that I’m just overdoing my work as a med student, but believe me, I’m not. Many would say that what I’m doing is easy; that their comforting words would lighten the burden of what I’m feeling. But this isn’t actually simple to comprehend, it simply is, ambiguous.

My professor-doctors would always say: “isa-isahin mo lang, matatapos din yan.” True enough, the hell week ended. But here’s the catch: I almost lost my social life, my confidence, and the again, I seemingly lost the trust of my one and only true love.

I have been through a lot of craps in life. I’ve done mistakes, I’ve committed so many bullshits, I say. And then, here comes this girl who would always understand me, who will love, and who will entirely care for me. To put it in a nutshell, I’m the lucky jerk ending up with a princess, an untouchable one.

I’ve been trying to be the rightful prince for her. It is and I guess, will be difficult for me to be that Disney-fairytale-knight-in-shining-armor person every girl wants to spend their entire life with. With what I’m doing now, I’m afraid that I’d lose her. Having this thought of losing her makes me feel of wanting to hang myself. I’m in a dilemma. I’m in this situation of vagueness because I don’t even know what to do.

Here’s the thing. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since time immemorial. I’ve set my life in pursuing the art and science of medicine; however, I’ve never imagined it killing me. The times that I’m spending for my dear medicine happily devours my time for my princess. To put it in logic, it’s like trying to weigh heaven and heaven where both are what I need and what I desire. It is difficult.

I’m now writing this for it to be immortalized. I want to browse through this and see how things would be solved in its natural course. I am optimistic; I am looking forward to and hoping that everything will turnout fine.

As far as I’m concerned, I am and will always be in love with my baby and medicine.

Hell Week

I mark this week as the great HELL WEEK.

August 22-30, 2010; Third year medical student, first semester.

Neurology vs. Neurosurgery

I want to be a neurosurgeon. I want to be the person who can operate the most sensitive anatomy of an individual. BUT, i don't know if I can.

I can study neurology. I can be an IM-hardcore neurologist but this is not what i want. I want to become a neuroSURGEON. My dilemma right now is on how to be a surgeon given that: 1. I am diagnosed with palmar hyperhydrosis; 2. my hands aren't stable for operations; 3. I love coffee; 4. I smoke; 5. I get nervous easily.

HOW AM I GONNA SOLVE THESE THINGS???

The Six Leadership Strategies

Here are some of the things that I have read and deem important when it comes to Leadership. I loved them and forever will I follow them. Such great insights from one great leader- K. Woo.

The six leadership strategies

1. Walk the ground

As a leader, you cannot be an armchair anatomist. You must turn up at the dissecting table to dissect your cadaver. A leader has to be among his people, at all levels and often, so that he can listen and learn at first hand in order to understand the problems, troubleshoot and prevent calamities. The people will also have easy access to his style and develop a bond with him.

2. Have trusted lieutenants

Always have a few trusted men who can form a think tank with you and offer even unsolicited advice so long as it is for the good of the organisation or the team. You cannot be present all the time and this will also allow you to focus on other important issues.

3. Information gathering

You must always have your ears on the home ground as well as the ground of your rivals or competitors. This will give you an accurate measure of events
and problems, so that you can develop counter strategies and solutions. It is also useful to employ undercover agents to gather information and check
on feedback received.

4. Confusion

Be prepared to send out occasional wrong signals to lure or confuse the enemy. Rather than use a direct route, the circuitous route may give the enemy or competitor a wrong impression and lead him away from your intended goal. The beating of cymbals and gongs may distract your rival while you are secretly exiting to another rendezvous to foil his plot.

5. Win the most while doing the least

The ideal strategy is to win without fighting. If you can win the battle while still in the boardroom without engaging in the actual battle, this means you are accomplishing the most while doing the least. This is the ideal situation in any battle.

6. That which is too good will not last forever

When you have won the battle and are sitting on your lofty perch surveying the defeated ones below, do not be content resting on your laurels. There are others coveting your position. Sooner or later they will come for you. While you are ahead, be prepared for a dignified exit.

Maybe

Maybe I'm like this because I don't want to be understood. Maybe, I always fail to understand others, even my closest friends, because I myself do not want to understand their problems. I am a typical close minded person who projects open mindedness.

Even my girlfriend doesn't really know how to deal with me. I often end up chasing paradoxical catwalks yet I bare the shining armor with an insignia of "I'm the man"

Maybe one day, i'll learn the art of dealing with ambiguity and vagueness. Maybe someday, I'll understand the "I" in me.

Material Wish List

I'm a person who isn't a great fan of wishing. I'm not the kind of guy who usually wishes for material things. Humans deviate from what is stated. I'm a human. Therefore, i wish for material things.

1. I wish to have a one room condo unit with a loft.
2. I wish to have my own car someday. I mean, someday=ASAP.
3. I wish that I complete my diagnostic sets soon.
4. I wish to have a better laptop; specs of a mac but not a mac. If it's a mac, then it's okay.
5. I wish to own a DSLR camera. Whatever the brand is, the specs, i dunno. I just want one.
6. I wish to buy a new motherboard for my PC.
7. I'd like to have a new monitor... again, for my PC.
8. I'd like to pay my med school tuition and affiliation fees in full (I mean, until I graduate) so that my mom won't pay anything anymore and would just enjoy her 60s.

Short as a worm. Here are my wishes encrypted in my "Material Wish List."

Time to Hibernate

I think I have to say goodbye to the world that I've trusted and had fun with (I'm not committing suicide.) I think i really need to be alone and do what I have to do... alone. I have to say goodbye (for a certain while) to the party nights, drinking sessions, and coffee "study-time" turned hangout times.

Maybe, this way, i can focus more. I can do more.

I have to exert extra efforts. I have to be more serious in my current endeavor. Lately, I always get satisfied with mediocre works. I assumed that everything will be fine so long as I'm not getting toxic. But things in this world apparently do not allow me to feel relaxed. I faltered so many times.

Tomorrow, I promise to be early at school. I promise to finish all my reading homeworks. I promise not to be the mediocre-me again.

Good night. Another fail day for me.

I'm the Rant Guy

It wouldn't be me anymore if i stopped fretting and complaining. I'm the rant guy. You know that.

I'm Sappy. Medshitz and Happyshitz

I’m getting tired of medicine. I don’t know if I’m just physically tired or I’m just not that interested anymore. I never imagined myself encountering such experience. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I’ve told myself that I won’t ever give-up on studying the art and science of medicine. But here I am, eating my own promise.

I’ve been trying to study. I can’t concentrate. Is it because of the module, the way lecturers present their specialization or is it me who has the problem? I need to get my motivation back. I don’t know how.
There are moments that I feel not going to school. There were lots of times when I got tardy at school because I just did not want to wake up. I mean, I literally do not wake up—consciously. I turn off the alarms (fact that I have two alarms with 5-10 mins interval for snooze.)

I’m looking forward to neurology. I hope I get my interest back. I want to play the game of a doctor licensed to kill. I want to be like Dr. House one more time. I want to be more curious than before. I want to live up my idealism that I want to discover more.

Now, I’m here at coffee bean sitting and drinking my air conditioned cold drink… just accompanying my friend, Mike. He’s doing his SGD. I’ve done mine already. He sits there patiently and I think, enthusiastically learning new stuff and I’m just here literally and figuratively killing time.

As I look at the baristas, I imagine life-–so simple. I envy the baristas for “just” making coffee, serving pastries, greeting each person who comes in the shop happily. Maybe their life is simpler than mine, but who knows, maybe not.

Imagine if medicine is just as simple as making coffee. Imagine everyone just relaxing. Wouldn’t that be so nice?

I plan to end this day productively. Maybe, today is just the day that I have to regain my strengths. I think I must not do anything. I think, it’s the time for leisure reading and watching movies. But no! I can’t! I just did that yesterday. Oh crap, I just don’t know what to do.

Well yeah, looking at the bright side, I think I found my woman for life. Isn’t that great? Now, I’m happy and satisfied.

I'm Sappy, I'm Medshitz-Happyshitz.