I'm Sappy. Medshitz and Happyshitz

I’m getting tired of medicine. I don’t know if I’m just physically tired or I’m just not that interested anymore. I never imagined myself encountering such experience. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I’ve told myself that I won’t ever give-up on studying the art and science of medicine. But here I am, eating my own promise.

I’ve been trying to study. I can’t concentrate. Is it because of the module, the way lecturers present their specialization or is it me who has the problem? I need to get my motivation back. I don’t know how.
There are moments that I feel not going to school. There were lots of times when I got tardy at school because I just did not want to wake up. I mean, I literally do not wake up—consciously. I turn off the alarms (fact that I have two alarms with 5-10 mins interval for snooze.)

I’m looking forward to neurology. I hope I get my interest back. I want to play the game of a doctor licensed to kill. I want to be like Dr. House one more time. I want to be more curious than before. I want to live up my idealism that I want to discover more.

Now, I’m here at coffee bean sitting and drinking my air conditioned cold drink… just accompanying my friend, Mike. He’s doing his SGD. I’ve done mine already. He sits there patiently and I think, enthusiastically learning new stuff and I’m just here literally and figuratively killing time.

As I look at the baristas, I imagine life-–so simple. I envy the baristas for “just” making coffee, serving pastries, greeting each person who comes in the shop happily. Maybe their life is simpler than mine, but who knows, maybe not.

Imagine if medicine is just as simple as making coffee. Imagine everyone just relaxing. Wouldn’t that be so nice?

I plan to end this day productively. Maybe, today is just the day that I have to regain my strengths. I think I must not do anything. I think, it’s the time for leisure reading and watching movies. But no! I can’t! I just did that yesterday. Oh crap, I just don’t know what to do.

Well yeah, looking at the bright side, I think I found my woman for life. Isn’t that great? Now, I’m happy and satisfied.

I'm Sappy, I'm Medshitz-Happyshitz.

What's Next to Understanding

You've laid all your defenses. You've tried to open up and broaden your perspective. You've considered what's moral and immoral, from ethical to unethical. You've heard the story, you've tried to respond appropriately. You've tried to understand the person. But what's next in line?

Sometimes, trying to understand a person is really hard most especially when your brain waves do not match. But then again, when you've understood the person, where do you go after?

If you try to be give an advice, you'd probably end up arguing with that person (given that both of you have different vantage points.) And when you end up trying to advise the person (putting yourself in the person's perspective), you'd end up being a hypocrite.

Oh life.

A Message to a Friend

When you’re drunk, I feel useless. When you have problems, I feel like an ornament waiting to be broken. I feel unsure if I must bombard you with facts or I must stoop down and agree with what you say. You always say that things must go through a process. You say that things are just meant to be where they should be because of certain reasons. These things are rational and yes, applicable in life. But my question is: Why on earth can’t you apply these “principles” in your OWN life?

I’ve been exposed to life’s misery. And because of life’s lessons, I’ve been known to be the strong-frank person. What I mean is, being frank—I spoil your life and sadly, I expose the realities in between uncertainties.

I’ve never seen you so down. I’ve never seen you falter. Maybe now, I realize that even you can’t handle life’s vagueness.

I’m not angry at you. I’m just a little bit disappointed. Well yes, I’m being close minded (and I know that you know this that’s why you don’t open up stuff with me.) Maybe I just lack the ability to understand you or maybe, you just don’t want to be understood.

You are my friend. You are one of my closest. I hope one day, or better yet, after this, you may find true happiness. That’s my wish for you.

Rationality vs. Just Me

Sometimes, rationality complicates life. How funny is it that the people who are known to be more cerebral than me end up being caught in the vanity of hell whilst I end up in the dreads of heaven. Overdoing rationality logically speaks crap. Super-ego made at its finest.

Rant on Idealism

Once you end up realizing that you're at the brink of reality, you falter and panic. Remember that there are two sides of a coin. Just like what you said, it is the golden rule. However, put that into real perspective. You’ll lose. Sad? Nope. I’m assuming, you’re just bitter.

Who's Your NEXT President?

Who’s your Next President?

It’s less than 5 days before the elections. Up until now, many are still confused whom they should be voting especially on the derby arena of the presidential race. Many have tried to study each and every candidate; that… includes me, I think. We have 8 candidates for the presidency: Noynoy Aquino, Manny Villar, Dick Gordon, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, Gibo Teodoro, Nick Perlas, Jamby Madrigal, and JC delos Reyes. Each and every candidate has his or her own abilities, flaws, and unique ways of leadership, that, I have found to be true.

I’m not an expert in studying politicians or politics per se. I have no degree of such that deal with political analysis and the like. I just try to read articles, listen to experts, and most of the time, “debate” through the web with other people with regards to their opinions.

Let’s loosen up and go straight to the point. I would first commend all the candidates for filing their COCs. In fairness to them, they had the GUTS to file them—knowing that they are going to enter a tarnished process of elections here in the Philippines. Think about this: it takes guts to be bombarded with insensitive, judgmental, illogical, and personal questions coming from nobody people. For these, I salute them.

Disclosing my personal bias, I’d be voting for Dick Gordon. Also, I won’t discuss about Jamby Madrigal, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, Nicanor Perlas, and JC Delos Reyes, Gibo Teodoro, and Manny Villar simply because they do not fall under the 4 criterion that I have read and believed in in one of the blog posts: The 4 Cs—Competence, Consistency on issues, Character, and Context. (Sorry, I forgot where I saw this :()

Let’s first discuss the most popular presidential candidate: Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Cojuangco Aquino III. Well of course, many of us, or probably, all the registered voters know that he is the son of the late Ninoy and Cory Aquino. He is part of the political dynasty of the Cojuangco’s and Aquino’s in Tarlac. His family has been running our country for many years. Needless to say, his mother once became a president of this great nation, and His dad became one of the most influential senators in the country. Well, going back to Noynoy, he served as a congressman and as a senator during his early political careers. Many say that he is the sure-shot-winner in this race (well, based on the surveys.) But again, I’d like to discuss Noynoy as who he is and what he has done nothing more, nothing less. This means, I’d like to close the issue and fact that he is the son of two of the most influential people in our country, his parents.

Let’s sieve Nonoy with the first C—Competence. Once again, Noynoy served as a three-termer congressman in his hometown and has been part of the senate since the year 2006. Among all criticisms, I have to give him credit for passing, authoring, and signing bills that are IMPORTANT for the people and for the majority. For me, the quality and the value of one’s bills are far more important than the number of bills passed/ authored/ co-authored. I put emphasis on the “IMPORTANT” bills. He authored bills for the "minority" people, those who are vulnerable. We must remember that those who are known to be the "minority" are the majority of this nation (in terms of population). Many of Noynoy's bills have not been publicized since many of them are labor bills. And many of his bills have not been supported since some of which do not favor majority of his colleagues’ advocacies. A lot of people, including me, were not able to see and feel these because we (my circle of friends, my family, and my relatives) are not part of the “minority” group. We have to face the fact that we are not part of the “masa”. Good for you if you have felt this. But in general, we do not worry about what we are going to eat for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Those people, who felt this, are those people who fret if they even have food to be served on their tables or know these because they read and watch news, and see the perspective of what Noynoy sees. But again, to balance this, Tarlac has not improved that much. I’m sorry to my friends who are from Tarlac, that I may have overlooked the real condition there since I’m just basing my stand from statistics seen on books and articles. I’d like to throw the question: How many generations have the Cojuangco’s and Aquino’s been ruling Tarlac? How far has the family brought Tarlac to progress?

Consistency on issues. If one had studied Noynoy’s program, I believe that you would be encouraged to vote for him because of his “beautiful” programs. His prioritization of needs is far way more impressing than that of other candidates. But then again, we cannot totally lobby this as correct and infallible. We can put into context that these programs can be analyzed and be written by the experts. As a scenario, experts put it into paper-- submit it to Noynoy--Noynoy does a press conference and publishes that these things are really his advocacies. Then again, I would be vouching that this would be also true to other candidates; but I guess, the ultimate thing to be answered here is: can he possibly do these? Was Noynoy able to prove this before? Is he capable of materializing all these? Well for me, my answer would be simple—No. I said earlier that he has passed bills for the “minority” those “vulnerable” and for those “with no voices”. I congratulate him for this. But just like in IV lines, sometimes, there are side drips. Consider the Central Azucarera massacre a.k.a. Hacienda Luisita Massacre. The people affected here were farmers. They are part of the “vulnerable” people. Why have they been affected with such misfortune? Again, maybe, Noynoy was not part of this, but as a human person, one cannot really remove the fact that he is part of the family that “did” this horrible event. (Fact: up until now, the issue is still in courts). Also, his programs cater to the poor. I guess, above all things-- blatantly promising that he would end poverty, he should first focus on the economic progress of the country, which, in his past rulings, he wasn’t able to prove. He focused on small, meticulous, time-consuming programs. I don’t say that these are bad stuff. But what I’m driving at is, he lacks the perspective of viewing everything from the top.

Character and Context. Many say that Noynoy has the character of a good leader. He is religious, righteous, and kind. He is diplomatic, and he is careful with his words. I agree with him when he says that we, the people, are the ones that would end the problems of our nation. In my own perspective, given the fact that our country is dwindling, I don’t think that we need a person who is careful with his words, I don’t think that we need a leader who is too “democratic”. Yes, I believe that democracy is the best way of governance and it should be led by leaders who are... democratic. However, we have to face the fact that the Filipino people have abused our democracy. We need a leader who can control us, who can influence people, and who can lead by example. A leader who can be man enough to show that he has control.

I’m done with Noynoy Aquino. Let’s talk about my favorite candidate, Richard “Dick” Gordon. Well, he is the perfect candidate for me. First thing, Dick Gordon is a civil servant, an environmentalist, and a lawyer. He was part of the delegation when the 1971 constitutional convention was held. He was the Mayor of Olongapo City from 1980-1986; then he was re-elected in that same position and place in 1988. He became the chair and administrator of Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority (SBMA) in 1992-1998. Of course, who would forget that he was the secretary of tourism in 2001-2004 that paved way for millions of people to have jobs. Lastly, he became a senator in the year 2004 and would be ending his term this year.

He in my opinion is the best since I believe that one can only lead by example. He did things and have proved to people that he is a man who can lead a certain community to another pedestal. A community which is better than it was first found. Take a look at Subic Bay. I have been there lately and I saw how wonderful Subic has become. I strongly believe that his leadership during the times Olongapo was at its worst was effective that he transformed a devastated land into something that is productive.

Let’s slice him up. Competency. Richard Gordon can be said to be competent for the position like Noynoy; but, Gordon proved things far better than Noynoy. Richard Gordon transformed Subic bay as what we can see Subic bay now. Fact is, he started from scratches. He proved that with the kind of leadership he possesses, people can transcend to another level. That’s what I’m most convinced of. That’s why I would vote for him. He leads by example and there are a lot of proofs.

Consistency on issues. If Noynoy thinks that ending corruption would be his priority, Gordon on the other hand focuses on economic growth. More investors, more jobs; more jobs, increased productivity; more productivity, more opportunities for the Filipinos. Well of course, hindi lang to yung kanyang program but he wants to start from this. I believe he is consistent with the current issues facing our country. He addresses them one by one. He has programs for them. He has specific ways on how to address them. He once said that he will do what he has already done. The only problem with Gordon’s past leadership is his labile alliances. As an example, he gave way to different bills even if at first, he agreed but since many thought that what he did was wrong, he later withdrew his stand or better yet, he remained silent.

I’ve been listening and watching different debates and/or forums. Noynoy sees that the major problem here in the Philippines is corruption. I don’t see it as the main problem of this land. I give it once more to Gordon who views that the major problem in our country is demoralization and lack of spirituality. I break into the horizon with Gordon because I think that even if you have controlled corruption but you still have demoralized people, then nothing was and will ever be solved. Empowerment, as what I believe in, is the key to success. If each and every Filipino has been empowered, then, people would learn how to change. A leader, as what I have said must set the pulse to each of his or her constituents. A leader must lead by example.

Character and Context. In our country, in our current situation, what we need is a democratic leader who can control people—not in its underrated term. People would elect a leader whom they trust. However, if we solely leave it to trust, we aren’t sure if there would even be a forward movement. Okay, fact is, I trust Noynoy as much as Gordon. However, Gordon has proven to his people that he can “transform” the views, the ways, and the means to upscale our moral.

Talk about character. Many question Gordon’s character because he talks so tough, straight to the point. However, be reminded that what he says are honest things. Morally speaking, who are we to judge his personality? Should we be basing things as we see them? I believe that there are always two sides of a coin. One that can be said as “good”, and one as “bad”. We cannot say that one person is bad because his acts are bad (well, in the context of stereotypes). A person's totality will never-ever be absolute. What we must remember is that everyone has their own ways on how to mask their own faces. People make façades to make them more acceptable to others. This is just natural. If you believe in the saying: “there is always a good side in a person”; then, you must also believe that there is an inner bad in one person. What I believe in Gordon is that he is true to his own character. If ever his intimidating stance offends you, then at least, give him the benefit of the doubt that he also has a “prim-and-proper” way of facing people that you might accept wholeheartedly.

As what I have said earlier, I won’t discuss the other Texas chickens. Two reasons: first, they don’t qualify to my personal standards. And second, this whole damn article would be very long.

Just like intelligent people will say, what’s far more important are the things that you learn along the process. So, I’ll be ending this with: Things that I have learned during the election season. Here goes:

(1) Winning a debate, a conversation, or a thread in a social networking page doesn’t necessarily prove that you are smarter or better than the other person. It just proves that you are more prepared with your ammos and he/ she isn’t or, his choice of candidate isn't that qualified.

(2) Choosing a leader is difficult given the fact that many of the candidates are really good. What matters most is on how you evaluate the leaders based on the 4 Cs (Competence, Consistency on issues, Character, and Context)

(3) Choosing the next president doesn’t solely depend on critiquing the leaders. It involves self-knowledge, self-awareness, and reevaluating your own personal values and principles. Many would end up literally or figuratively killing other people just because their values aren’t at par with them. As I have learned from my leadership classes, one must master one’s self first before one decides. This decreases the probability of making erroneous decisions.

(4) Sorry for the term, but surveys are bull cr*p. Well of course, statistically speaking, it is important and it serves as records. Just like what my dad said, "masarap ang feeling pagkanasa top ka ng survey at malalaman mo kung kailangan mo pang mangampanya pero, sana hindi ito pinu-publish." Surveys set the pulse of the elections here in the Philippines. Sometimes, because of this, people would not vote for another candidate because they do not show good numbers in surveys. Furthermore, people tend to choose the less evil well in fact, there are candidates who are GOOD. I’m coming from a perspective that I have noticed that the SWS and Pulse Asia surveys do not release the methodology of their sampling. I checked their page but I can't understand a sh*t. How would then I trust their results? Well, I’m guessing, maybe, they might be correct with their releases but I’m not throwing the possibility that cheating might have been involved. My point is, one should not be dictated or influenced by surveys. One’s personal judgment is FAR more important than the surveys.

(5) Whoever wins the presidential race, let’s support him or her. In the end, we would be the ones who would make our destinies.

I’m not an advocate of convincing people to vote for whom I think is the best candidate. I’m simply here to let others feel the need to stretch their brain cells during elections; and, to let them vote, come Election Day.

Reminder: whoever wins this presidential race, let’s just support him. Here’s my prediction: Noynoy Aquino would be our next president and he will only lead by a few margin. VP would be Mar Roxas. (I hate it when my candidates do not win. :() By the way, I’m for Bayani Fernando for VP. :D

Happy and Honest Elections to all of us. May God be with us! MABUHAY ANG PILIPINAS!

Most Stupid Me

I haven't ranted for a very long time. Yes, of course, this is my rant page. Whatever.

I had an exam just a while ago. It was an ethics orals exam. I studied two long days to prepare for it. To start with, I haven't had any experience of taking an orals exam (making me anewbie: having no feel of what the process or what the flow of an orals exam would be) So there, i studied so hard just that i won't fail and i would have the ammos to every question bombarded at me. I sacrificed a lot for it. I canceled all my parties, i didn't study my other subjects. I just focused on the fucking subject. I was the last to do the exam. I didn't feel anxious, I didn't feel fear. I said to myself that i have prepared for that exam and that i would do good.

I entered the room full of confidence hoping that i would get a question/ case/ thesis statement that i can defend. First pick. Professor-doctor said to me: "wow, this is rather an easy question". I smiled. She read the question and to my surprise i was caught hanging. I couldn't figure out why i was not and was not able to process the question. I fucking did not understand the question. I told my prof to read the question once more. She read it again and handed me the question. I sat and stared at the sheet blankly. I felt horrible. I was trying to answer the thesis statement but the prof just smiled and said: "you may want to get another question from the bowl." I felt really awful. That was the first time in my life that i was given a chance to answer another question because I was making no sense! I hated myself. So then, i got another rolled sheet. It was far more difficult than the first one. I had to make a choice whether or not to answer the new or the old statement. Time was ticking so fast, i decided to answer the second question.... and then again, I WAS TOTALLY NOT MAKING SENSE! I hated myself from then on.

When everything was done, i felt that i'm so inadequate. I felt that I'm stupid. Questions rushed in my head asking and doubting myself. I'm not the type of person who'd settle for a bobo answer. I sucked.

Friends who waited for me outside the room asked how i performed. 3 words were enough to express how i did. I said: "kill me now"

How unfair is it not to have the knowledge of everything. I hate myself. I can't move on. I can't focus anymore... knowing that I won't do well even if i prepare for something... at my best stance. I just have discovered the "most stupid me."

When You Needed Friends

Med school gives me the stresses in life, big time!

Just a while back, my sister called. She told me that we have a problem—a family problem that is. Honestly, I become so anxious and affected every time I’m faced with problems especially concerning my family.

Now that I’m alone here in the metro, far from my family, I feel so helpless. I need friends to talk to. If only I was with my old friends, that I can call them anytime; we, spending time together; us, grabbing a bottle of beer and talking about our problems; then I would be so far from insanity.

As what I said, med school gives me the stresses in life. Adding up the fact that you cannot expect your med friends to be with you and listen to your problems because they do have their own problems that they cannot accommodate more stresses from another person. You feel the importance of friends when you are slowly losing them. I need my high school friends, I need my college friends.

Since life in med is different from any other courses, I now see and define my med friends as just transitional friends. Maybe, they would just be my future colleagues but not my true friends. In med, I feel that we just use each other. I think that the label "superficial friends" was coined by me because of the facts that forced us to be close to each other. We were forced to be the person in particular, must support each other all the way. It sucks because I see it like a fake façade.

I hope that I’m wrong when I say that my med friends are just some “superficial” friends. As of now, this is what I’m seeing. It’s sad; but I have no choice. I have to move on, live my life, be who I am, be alone. When you needed friends, you just imagined that they're there... but actually, they're not.

Meant to be Different

How many relationships would end up a happy ever after especially when the two main characters have conflicting views of life?

I and my girlfriend have been together for more than four years and yet, it seems that we never and we inevitably cannot find the perfect thing/ reason that would make us as one person (as what the Catholic Church would teach.) Well as of now, we still haven’t found the right reasons how we would complement each other. I don’t know if this is completely normal or we’re just being “us” because we think that we need a partner who’s completely the opposite of our own—opposites attract. Honestly, it’s very difficult to live in a very stressful life coupled by these things. I personally am not comfortable anymore about what’s happening between us.

I’m not the perfect guy who would always be with her. I’m the type of person who sees that things must go smoothly and that no deviations from what has been planned should be made. I’m the career guy. All these are the opposite of my girlfriend and all these complicate my situation more. I hate to say this but maybe, I’m falling out of love… but my brain enzymes and hormones dictate that I must not.

She’s the perfect person for me. This is what my brain tells me. Oh crap that I could not even focus on matters that I should be doing right now because of what just happened early this eve. I won’t deal much of what happened to us but to hell, how can she not even tell me what’s bothering her? How come that she would mask her emotions such that I should feel okay and she wouldn’t?

I hate today. I hate my fucking life in med school. I hate how I deal with my girlfriend. I hate myself.

F***ckin’ Robbins that I must study his book tonight!

8 Hours Before Reality

Two weeks is just so fast that vacation ended without me noticing it. Holiday season is always my way of forgetting med school. It provides me the time to be with my loved ones, my relatives, and my friends. Why on earth does it have to end so soon? This frustrates me.

The past holiday break isn't that perfect for me (as what I've written on my previews blogs.) But still, there is this impulse within me not wanting to go back, not wanting to hit myself with books again. Maybe, I'm afraid of the "toxic" life of med school. Leisure as I may quote the holiday season for me. Even if it's not perfect, I do have the chance to relax and stay away from the large stresses pounded on me by med life.

To be honest, I really don't want to go to school..yet (you might have concluded this awhile back.) I'm not (yet) that prepared. Good thing, I still have a reason why I should wake up early tomorrow to go to class-- to see my co-med student friends. Isn't it funny that "they" are the reason why I want to go to class and not to be dictated upon by my dreams of becoming a doctor? Oh well, I guess, i have to reflect on this (which I failed to do during the break.)

So long to the old 2009. I'm not really sure if I learned anything from the past year. What's important is that I'm still here and I'm doing pretty well. I'm still satisfied with life. The mere fact that I see people smile makes me feel that I still need to continue life and that it makes me realize that if they have reasons to smile, then I should also have a reason to do the same.

Off to school in a while. I hope everything would be fine and that I soon find the true reason why I'm still enrolled in med school.

Goodnight.