When You Needed Friends

Med school gives me the stresses in life, big time!

Just a while back, my sister called. She told me that we have a problem—a family problem that is. Honestly, I become so anxious and affected every time I’m faced with problems especially concerning my family.

Now that I’m alone here in the metro, far from my family, I feel so helpless. I need friends to talk to. If only I was with my old friends, that I can call them anytime; we, spending time together; us, grabbing a bottle of beer and talking about our problems; then I would be so far from insanity.

As what I said, med school gives me the stresses in life. Adding up the fact that you cannot expect your med friends to be with you and listen to your problems because they do have their own problems that they cannot accommodate more stresses from another person. You feel the importance of friends when you are slowly losing them. I need my high school friends, I need my college friends.

Since life in med is different from any other courses, I now see and define my med friends as just transitional friends. Maybe, they would just be my future colleagues but not my true friends. In med, I feel that we just use each other. I think that the label "superficial friends" was coined by me because of the facts that forced us to be close to each other. We were forced to be the person in particular, must support each other all the way. It sucks because I see it like a fake façade.

I hope that I’m wrong when I say that my med friends are just some “superficial” friends. As of now, this is what I’m seeing. It’s sad; but I have no choice. I have to move on, live my life, be who I am, be alone. When you needed friends, you just imagined that they're there... but actually, they're not.

Meant to be Different

How many relationships would end up a happy ever after especially when the two main characters have conflicting views of life?

I and my girlfriend have been together for more than four years and yet, it seems that we never and we inevitably cannot find the perfect thing/ reason that would make us as one person (as what the Catholic Church would teach.) Well as of now, we still haven’t found the right reasons how we would complement each other. I don’t know if this is completely normal or we’re just being “us” because we think that we need a partner who’s completely the opposite of our own—opposites attract. Honestly, it’s very difficult to live in a very stressful life coupled by these things. I personally am not comfortable anymore about what’s happening between us.

I’m not the perfect guy who would always be with her. I’m the type of person who sees that things must go smoothly and that no deviations from what has been planned should be made. I’m the career guy. All these are the opposite of my girlfriend and all these complicate my situation more. I hate to say this but maybe, I’m falling out of love… but my brain enzymes and hormones dictate that I must not.

She’s the perfect person for me. This is what my brain tells me. Oh crap that I could not even focus on matters that I should be doing right now because of what just happened early this eve. I won’t deal much of what happened to us but to hell, how can she not even tell me what’s bothering her? How come that she would mask her emotions such that I should feel okay and she wouldn’t?

I hate today. I hate my fucking life in med school. I hate how I deal with my girlfriend. I hate myself.

F***ckin’ Robbins that I must study his book tonight!

8 Hours Before Reality

Two weeks is just so fast that vacation ended without me noticing it. Holiday season is always my way of forgetting med school. It provides me the time to be with my loved ones, my relatives, and my friends. Why on earth does it have to end so soon? This frustrates me.

The past holiday break isn't that perfect for me (as what I've written on my previews blogs.) But still, there is this impulse within me not wanting to go back, not wanting to hit myself with books again. Maybe, I'm afraid of the "toxic" life of med school. Leisure as I may quote the holiday season for me. Even if it's not perfect, I do have the chance to relax and stay away from the large stresses pounded on me by med life.

To be honest, I really don't want to go to school..yet (you might have concluded this awhile back.) I'm not (yet) that prepared. Good thing, I still have a reason why I should wake up early tomorrow to go to class-- to see my co-med student friends. Isn't it funny that "they" are the reason why I want to go to class and not to be dictated upon by my dreams of becoming a doctor? Oh well, I guess, i have to reflect on this (which I failed to do during the break.)

So long to the old 2009. I'm not really sure if I learned anything from the past year. What's important is that I'm still here and I'm doing pretty well. I'm still satisfied with life. The mere fact that I see people smile makes me feel that I still need to continue life and that it makes me realize that if they have reasons to smile, then I should also have a reason to do the same.

Off to school in a while. I hope everything would be fine and that I soon find the true reason why I'm still enrolled in med school.

Goodnight.

New Years Resolution (2010)

Well, I personally do not do this annually. The last time I made one (as far as I can remember) was... let me think, I guess, I was still in grade school. Maybe, I was pressured by my teachers back then to make one. Why? because I personally don't see the importance of this.

Now that I'm a lot more "mature", I guess, I have to give this a chance. In the first place, I won't lose anything.

Here's my new years resolution for 2010.

1. Focus more on my studies.

- as a side bar, i'd spend more time in the library :(

2. Continuously accept the fact that life is unfair.

3. Dwell more on the happy events in life than succumbing myself in misery.

4. Talk only to people who make sense.

5. Lower my personal criteria/standards of who I must/ should be.

6. When stressed/ angry, I must count one to ten before saying anything.

7. I have to be more patient.

8. Accept that my family would never be perfect/ ideal.

9. Appreciate the small things in life.

10. Decrease the number of cigarette sticks I consume per day.

11. I must learn the art of thinking that the world does not revolve around me.

12. Practice fidelity.

13. Continue to lie but lessen it's frequency.

14. must eat healthy foods.

15. Be more closer to God.

- well, this should be first but humans err, i honestly just thought of it. Well anyway, He knows my relationship with Him so, no problems here.

Maybe one day, I'd inevitably forget about what i just wrote. But again, just to make my life more "interesting" and "juicier" for now, I made this. Who knows, one day, i'd be the person i'd like myself to be.

Farewell 2009! Welcome 2010!

Doctors Licensed to Kill

Being a clinician is one of my biggest dreams in life. Since I was a child, I have been dreaming of becoming a clinician. Now that I'm enrolled in medical school, I now have the feeling that my out of the blue dream is slowly materializing.

Since I entered med school, I've been bombarded with not only the biggest deals of memorizing illnesses and their treatments but more of the pressure of the standards provided by myself and by the society. In med school, everyone's expected to be intelligent, a person who has the capability of reasoning. Also, if you enter med school, you'd totally be considering that you're a nerd. You'd be losing many of your friends. Why? because you'd be spending much more time being with your books than being with your friends. You see, many of the clinicians I know lost many of their friends that they've been with when they were still in pre med (college course). That isn't unusual as what one of my profs would say.

When you enroll yourself in med school, one of the first questions you would be able to read in an application form is your financial capability of paying its fees. Weird as it may sound, but yes, it has been written a long time ago that being a med student has the prerequisite of you being part of the elite society. So few are scholars and many of these scholars or grantees of scholarships are also rich. Well, we can't do something about this. It has been given and I think, this would pursue until we die.

The bright side in being a medical student is when you now learn so much that you are capable of diagnosing and curing illnesses. Once you become a doctor, you would then have the license to kill. Bad as it may sound, in reality, doctors are the only people who can control a person's life legally. If he wants you dead, he'll kill you. He has the power to end your life without you knowing. The beauty in that is it keeps the doctors on their toes in being careful and being ethical in treating their patients. In addition, a doctor's ability to influence others is outrageous. People view doctors like gods. Who wouldn't want to be saved by these gods? Lastly, being a doctor gives you the high position of continuously being elite. These reasons are more often selfish in nature. Well, many doctors think this way.

On the flip side of the coin, doctors do have the responsibility to first and foremost love people. They have the duty to make their patients' lives easier. They are the forerunners of lives. They are men who play gods but still, they are men who do err.

Clinicians, physicians, doctors, whatever you call them are part of our society. They are just around. I still do want to be doctor. No single word can describe a doctor especially with the different view points of these doctors. Oh well, to hell with all these. I still want to be a doctor.

Christmas

I've been in different parts of the Philippines and I've never found a place like Baguio especially during the yuletide. It just offers a different feeling. Baguio City has been labeled as the Summer capital of the Philippines due to its cool climate. It houses resorts of hot springs that invigorate one's soul with warmth. During eve, you can see the ranges with sparkling lights just like stars that fell from the heavens or simply Christmas lights. Again, I say that Baguio is the perfect place to spend time with your family during the yuletide season.

I miss Baguio. Whenever my family travels and spends time in Baguio, I would constantly feel bliss, i become excited. I simply don't know what Baguio gives me but what's important is that the place fosters the bonding of our family. Now, I can't even feel the presence of the yuletide season. I don't know what happened. I'm alone. We're not going to spend our Christmas there. The feeling's just unusual.

We don't have gifts under our Christmas tree. Nobody has been planning for the most awaited moment, well as for me, the noche buena. I miss those times when we would be having our own countdown until 12 mn. We would then exchange our gifts with our manitos or manitas. I feel sad that this may not actually happen this year.

Christmas is just for children. I guess, this was what my parents just taught me. Now that I and my siblings are all grown up, we inevitably forget all about the importance of Christmas. I know that gifts are not the gist of Christmas. But now, my family is missing the most important moral of Christmas, being together, loving each other, and just spending time together.

I pray that my kiddy Christmas views won't stop. I pray that Christmas would just be for everyone; not just for children. I miss Christmas, I miss my family.

To all, Merry Christmas and I wish that you guys find the true meaning of the yuletide season.

Primer

There are lots of things that one can read about the Philippines. It's a country that has been bestowed with beautiful people, beautiful land, and beautiful values. Just like many developing countries, the Philippines has been once on top, once it has savored the life of democracy, once it has shared with other countries the best part of the meat. But now, it seems that as if the Filipino people are digging and simply cementing their own graves. My country (yes, i'm a filipino) as i believe, has been battling against this, but with no support from the government, it seems that many of us are now succumbing to hopelessness.

I know that i'm still "young" to worry about the current status of my country; but in one way or another, when i become much older, i would also be affected.Well basically, the youth has no voice in my country. Many youth related organizations are being built but to no avail. Why? It's simply because one cannot move to change the dictatorial system of this so called "democratic" governance even those who are currently in power. Why? because only one person controls our government- Gloria Macapagal- Arroyo (GMA), and hell to HER. I'm dismayed. I want to do something. I envy those youth in other countries where their "little voices" are heard.

Philippine elections is again upcoming. On May 2010, the Filipinos would then again elect a president. Hopefully, the president won't be another carbon copy of GMA or a puppet of that monster. More so, nobody wants a president who has been convicted of plunder and still has the face to run again. Yes, ERAP, that's you. I hope Filipinos would soon realize that we constantly need to learn. That learning may bring hopes into our hearts. Filipinos must escape and be freed from this inhumane dictatorship.

Again, I'm still "young" but i'm now tired of politics. Filipinos, I'm begging, please bring back the hopes of the youth. Don't let us lose hope.