Happy 6th Anniversary

Today, I lost everything that I had. It could have been easier that I’ve lost all my material possessions in life than me losing this—the person who gives me life.

Today is our anniversary, our 6^th anniversary. I was studying in my unit. I told her that I won’t make things possible for this day because I need to cram for tomorrow’s exam. Well, she surprised me.

I heard a knock on my door. First, I ignored it. The second time I heard the knocking, I stood up. I looked into the pin hole and saw no one. I opened the door and there, I found her.  She brought dinner for me.

Yes, I was surprised that she was there but I’m the bastard who doesn’t appreciate surprises. She brought dinner for the both of us. She had a liter of coke on her left hand and a yellow cab pizza with a brown bag on the other hand. She entered the room. I did nothing.

I kissed her. She kissed back. She was still the same—same sweet perfume, those beautiful eyes.  She walked inside. I took the seat of my table. She sat on my bed. I did nothing.

I opened the last three pages of one of my readings. I studied without acknowledging her being there. She stood up, said something like: “it’s hot”. I smiled at her then returned my glance to what I was reading.

She walked near the balcony of my windows. I glanced at her. She pulled her black straight hair up. She was searching for a breeze of air. There was none. I ignored her.

As I finished what I was reading, I called her. “Baby!” I screamed. There was no response. She was still looking outside my opened window. I called her twice, no answer. I stood up, came closer to her and asked: What’s the matter? “Nothing”--a soft wimping sound broke. I took a look at her. She was crying.

I’m no good when I see people cry. She knows this. So I sat down, back to my table. I tried to do something. I panicked.  I got my stash of cigarettes, went to the bathroom, turned on the ventilator, turned on the faucets and the shower. I stayed there for about 15 minutes. I lit a cigarette as I calmly hear the rustling of the flowing water.

I went out. I asked her, now sitting on my bed, “What’s the matter?” She replied in a soft tone: “I wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from you” I frowned and felt a lot more uneasy.

I took a sit. I tried to mutter a word but nothing came out. “I just want to surprise you” she said. Still, no words came out from me. She stood up. She grabbed her bag, pulled a book and left the book right in front of my nose—The 48 Laws of Power, my favorite book. She left.

Now, I’m fucking angry at myself. I hate the whole of me. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this kind of person anymore. L

Sembreak's Over

I wanted to stay with my family... but then again, goodbyes must be made. This has been my pattern and this will always be the cycle of my life. This is fucking terrible.

I think I have an anxiety problem-- separation anxiety. I feel down right now. I feel sick. Post a differential-- somatization.

Oh well, life must go on. I have to be strong. I have to live strong. Mantra repetition: I will make this, I will live this, I love this.

Power Play

There are a lot of times when you feel that you are not doing anything. Doing nothing as if everything just goes like you just wished it to go your way. But no, sometimes, you unconsciously pushed the button and entered the game of: "power play."

I just realized that I do some kind of power tripping/ playing in my life. I never thought that I actually do this. Things in life, as they come naturally, may be accounted for the fact that they just occur. Sometimes, we really just have the power to play the cards of life.

I haven't thought of stuff like getting someone into trouble and eventually, you would end up benefiting. Yes, I cannot vividly recall any of these things happening. Things just fall into pieces because of the "animal instincts" that we have. These are just... inevitable.

Power play is a skill, an art. It is something that everyone must have to learn in order to survive this weird world. I say, this game is purely exciting. It is funny.

You ask so many questions. :|

Blame Yourself

I have repeatedly acknowledged the fact that one cannot blame others because of the injustices done to him or her. It is just selfish.

You know what, I lied to you because I know that one day, you'll blame all things to other people. I don't want this to happen. But here you go, asking me, begging me to tell the truth. There, I told you the truth.

Months have passed and you still can't get over what I've told you. You do not blame me because I know you love me but you blame the person who did nothing wrong to you. She doesn't even know that you're angry at her or you're bitter of her. Here's the thing, I was the one who committed the error. Ergo, I'm the one to be blamed.

With these, I'd rather continue lying than telling the truth. Why? Cause, it isn't helping you.

If you were to blame me, I'd accept it. I'd try to understand and absorb all the sufferings these events have brought you because I'm the one who fell off the covenant that we've made. I'd ironically say sorry to you. Yes, I said sorry to you.

I'm not mad. I understand how you feel; but, are you not mature enough to still think this way? I mean, you are too intelligent to think this way. You even broadcast stuff to the world. How can this be fair to me or her?

I ask you: "what's wrong?" You say: "there's none." How can this be? Girls have this default answer of THERE'S NOTHING when in fact THERE IS SOMETHING!

You always think that you're the protagonist of life when in fact, you're just a speck of this world. It isn't bad to think that you can rule the world; but, it is docile to think otherwise. You are not alone. You can hurt others. You can hurt even the person whom you love because of what you are doing.

One can be angry, I must agree. But prolonging such anger makes you a lot weaker and a lot vulnerable. You appeal to pitty, you appeal to what's right. You seek agreement, you seek fairness. You seek comfort to relieve your pains. These are but human nature; HOWEVER, these are not reasons why you can consciously hurt others and be selfish and insensitive to them.

Blame yourself when it's due your cost. Blame yourself when you feel that there's no one to blame. Blame yourself for not understanding the whole picture. Blame yourself when you view the world as an idealistic map where you can play your cards along. Blame reality for it doesn't conive with you. Blame your expectations. Blame your dreams. tsssssssssssss.

Inevitable

Some things are better left ignored.

There are moments where things go beyond the capacity of logical thinking and emotional balance--Events where we are left with life enveloped by harsh reality where one cannot do anything but to wait in suffering and resentment.

Gaia's bitterness aims to balance our ambiguous paroxysms of electrical charges within our body. There are things better left ignored. There are things better left static. There are things only the core of the earth can manage.

This bothers.

My Ideal Lady

In no specific order. :D

A woman who has a strong personality.

(just like Keira Knightley in Pride and Prejudice)

A woman who can speak her mind.

A woman who can control her emotions.

A woman who can play the piano!

A woman who is intelligent!

A woman who can argue with me without getting angry.

A woman whom I can speak without giving initial judgment

A woman who can sing.

A woman who's not maarte-- that i can bring her to lunch anywhere.

A woman who has a built self-esteem.

A woman who can love me for who I am and for what I am.

:)

Just The Way You Are

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

You! Diagnose Me!

Demographics
This is the case of a 23 yo male, medical student, Roman Catholic by religious affiliation, single by civil status. Reliability is 100%.

Chief Complaint
Nasal Congestion for 3 days duration.

History of Present Illness
3 days prior to consult, patient experienced recurrent bouts of allergic rhinitis characterized by increased watery mucosal discharge over both nares. Associated signs and symptoms include bilateral itchiness over external nasal ala and congestion of both nares. Patient did not take any medications. Signs and symptoms were alleviated by rest and increased fluid intake; aggravated by cigarette smoking.

2 days prior to consult, patient started to feel feverish and easy fatigability. No exact temperature recorded. All signs and symptoms persisted and got worse. Patient took Cetrizine oral, Phenylephrine oral, Paracetamol oral to alleviate allergic rhinitis, nasal congestion, and fever respectively. Patient took all medications twice a day after meals. Cetirizine and Phenylephrine mildly alleviated signs and symptoms. Paracetamol lowered patient’s temperature to normal. Patient did not seek consult.

1 day prior to consult, patient’s condition persisted. Associated symptoms now include unproductive cough. Patient started on Clindamycin 300 mg three times a day. Persistence of signs and symptoms prompted patient to seek consult.

Diagnosis?
Differentials?

Here's my bet: URTI. :p

The Earth is a Bubble Full of Hypocrites.

People Lie. They always do.