My Third Year Medical Dilemma

I miss the days when I would just worry about buying a remote controlled race car, replenishing the almost empty fuel tank of my toy train, and not going with mom or dad to their work places. I miss those times when I thought the earth wouldn’t revolve anymore because my wants were not satisfied. I miss worrying about simple things.

Now that I’m almost a quarter of a hundred years old, things got more complicated. I never imagined myself worrying about work loads and living my life alone. Things that I’ve never imagined myself doing are actually happening. It gets even worse when I am bombarded with a lot of unfortunate-realistic-unimaginable fate. But then again, I have to accept life as it is. I must face life in a lot more different perspective, in a more mature way.

This week has been a hell week for me. This is, or should I say was, the worst of all the bad weeks that I’ve experienced; well, in terms of workload and emotional burdens. I am saddened by the fact that some people misunderstand my priorities. Some people would say that I’m just overdoing my work as a med student, but believe me, I’m not. Many would say that what I’m doing is easy; that their comforting words would lighten the burden of what I’m feeling. But this isn’t actually simple to comprehend, it simply is, ambiguous.

My professor-doctors would always say: “isa-isahin mo lang, matatapos din yan.” True enough, the hell week ended. But here’s the catch: I almost lost my social life, my confidence, and the again, I seemingly lost the trust of my one and only true love.

I have been through a lot of craps in life. I’ve done mistakes, I’ve committed so many bullshits, I say. And then, here comes this girl who would always understand me, who will love, and who will entirely care for me. To put it in a nutshell, I’m the lucky jerk ending up with a princess, an untouchable one.

I’ve been trying to be the rightful prince for her. It is and I guess, will be difficult for me to be that Disney-fairytale-knight-in-shining-armor person every girl wants to spend their entire life with. With what I’m doing now, I’m afraid that I’d lose her. Having this thought of losing her makes me feel of wanting to hang myself. I’m in a dilemma. I’m in this situation of vagueness because I don’t even know what to do.

Here’s the thing. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since time immemorial. I’ve set my life in pursuing the art and science of medicine; however, I’ve never imagined it killing me. The times that I’m spending for my dear medicine happily devours my time for my princess. To put it in logic, it’s like trying to weigh heaven and heaven where both are what I need and what I desire. It is difficult.

I’m now writing this for it to be immortalized. I want to browse through this and see how things would be solved in its natural course. I am optimistic; I am looking forward to and hoping that everything will turnout fine.

As far as I’m concerned, I am and will always be in love with my baby and medicine.