Monday, November 15, 2010

Insensitive

It's plainly BS that you still talk to my relatives and closest friends while you continuously hurt me.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happy 6th Anniversary

Today, I lost everything that I had. It could have been easier that I’ve lost all my material possessions in life than me losing this—the person who gives me life.

Today is our anniversary, our 6th anniversary. I was studying in my unit. I told her that I won’t make things possible for this day because I need to cram for tomorrow’s exam. Well, she surprised me.

I heard a knock on my door. First, I ignored it. The second time I heard the knocking, I stood up. I looked into the pin hole and saw no one. I opened the door and there, I found her.  She brought dinner for me.

Yes, I was surprised that she was there but I’m the bastard who doesn’t appreciate surprises. She brought dinner for the both of us. She had a liter of coke on her left hand and a yellow cab pizza with a brown bag on the other hand. She entered the room. I did nothing.

I kissed her. She kissed back. She was still the same—same sweet perfume, those beautiful eyes.  She walked inside. I took the seat of my table. She sat on my bed. I did nothing.

I opened the last three pages of one of my readings. I studied without acknowledging her being there. She stood up, said something like: “it’s hot”. I smiled at her then returned my glance to what I was reading.
She walked near the balcony of my windows. I glanced at her. She pulled her black straight hair up. She was searching for a breeze of air. There was none. I ignored her.

As I finished what I was reading, I called her. “Baby!” I screamed. There was no response. She was still looking outside my opened window. I called her twice, no answer. I stood up, came closer to her and asked: What’s the matter? “Nothing”--a soft wimping sound broke. I took a look at her. She was crying.

I’m no good when I see people cry. She knows this. So I sat down, back to my table. I tried to do something. I panicked.  I got my stash of cigarettes, went to the bathroom, turned on the ventilator, turned on the faucets and the shower. I stayed there for about 15 minutes. I lit a cigarette as I calmly hear the rustling of the flowing water.

I went out. I asked her, now sitting on my bed, “What’s the matter?” She replied in a soft tone: “I wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from you” I frowned and felt a lot more uneasy.

I took a sit. I tried to mutter a word but nothing came out. “I just want to surprise you” she said. Still, no words came out from me. She stood up. She grabbed her bag, pulled a book and left the book right in front of my nose—The 48 Laws of Power, my favorite book. She left.

Now, I’m fucking angry at myself. I hate the whole of me. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this kind of person anymore. L

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sembreak's Over

I wanted to stay with my family... but then again, goodbyes must be made. This has been my pattern and this will always be the cycle of my life. This is fucking terrible.

I think I have an anxiety problem-- separation anxiety. I feel down right now. I feel sick. Post a differential-- somatization.

Oh well, life must go on. I have to be strong. I have to live strong. Mantra repetition: I will make this, I will live this, I love this.